Turning of the Tide
by craazy4ever
Summary: Claire learns of Charlie's death... Now she wants to pay a visit to the Others, for reasons she won't tell. - ON HOLD.
1. Chapter One

"You can't go, Claire." Desmond's accent was thick as he argued with her. He couldn't let her do this, she was mad to think that she could go off like this.

"I have to." Claire said softly, so softly that she could have been talking to herself. She refused to even look at Desmond--and she had every right to be furious with him.

It was nearly three weeks since they had heard that Charlie was dead. And Desmond had personally claimed the responsibility of his death. There could have been another way, Charlie didn't have to die. But no... Charlie was dead.  
Claire had ordered him out of her sight, telling him to never speak to her again. But here Desmond was, of all people, arguing with her over her decision.

"But you can't!" His voice grew more urgent. "You can't just leave, Claire. What about Aaron?"  
Desmond paced back and forth outside her open tent. It was late night now; there were only a few people still awake. And they were on watch.

"I can't? I _can't_ leave?" Claire's tone became defensive and she finally looked up at him. "Who are you Desmond, to say who stays and who goes, who lives and who dies?"  
She rose angrily and walked out of the tent, stopping him in his path. "Who the hell do you think you are to make those decisions?"

"I don't decide Claire. It's... it's..."  
He stopped, she wouldn't understand. Or if she did, she wouldn't listen.

"It's what? Flashes again?" She said with obvious disdain. "Can't get past the voices in your head?" Her voice was growing louder now. "They are the reason why Charlie is _dead_ Desmond. Don't you forget that."  
The distant firelight reflected in her eyes. Claire was glaring at him, daring him to answer.

"You don't think I know that?" Desmond snapped. "That every day I'm not haunted by the fact that another man's blood is on my hands?" He was inches away from her now, his voice low and angry.  
"How, how could I forget?"

Claire remained visibly unmoved by this outburst. It was everything she could do to hold her ground.

Desmond turned away from her now and he spoke quietly.  
"It was fate, Claire."

This startled her.  
"Excuse me!?"

"Charlie's death. It was the destiny that he chose."

"It was the destiny that he chose because _you_ gave him no other choice!" She exclaimed bitterly. "You told him that he would die saving us all, getting us rescued. But he died for nothing, didn't he. He died for nothing..."

"He didn't die for nothing, Claire." Desmond said gently, he reached out to comfort her.  
She shrugged him off.

"Really?"  
She was sarcastic.

"He died for you, you and Aaron both."

"Don't you dare" Claire stepped back, trembling slightly "Don't you _dare_ put it on me. I didn't ask Charlie to die..."  
She grabbed the nearest pole that was holding up the tent to steady herself. Claire suddenly felt like she would be sick. Why the hell was she even discussing this with him? It was his fault. She wouldn't be blamed. Charlie wouldn't be blamed, she would not tolerate it.

"No one asked Charlie to die" Desmond was growing desperate now. Whatever happened, she couldn't go. But she would, he knew, unless he could somehow convince her to stay. He was running out of options too quickly. "He _chose_ his own fate."

"Will you two please be quiet?"  
Sun's voice came sleepily from behind. "Some of us are trying to get some sleep tonight."

Claire turned around quickly, forgetting that she felt lightheaded. "Oh! Sun, I'm so sorry. We weren't thinking."

"Is everything alright, Claire?" Sun asked, concerned. She eyed Desmond briefly and noted that Claire didn't look so good.

"Yeah Sun, everything's fine. Really." She glanced at Desmond "We were just finishing here. Go on back to bed, we won't disturb you again."

"Alright."  
Sun shot a questioning look at Claire but got no response, so she went back to her tent mumbling a "Goodnight" as she walked away.

"You were saying, Desmond?"  
Claire hissed, once she was sure that Sun was really gone.

"Charlie chose his own fa-"  
Desmond stopped mid-sentence.  
Claire had put her hand up to silence him--he obeyed.

She looked to the stars, still gripping the pole for support.  
Claire was silent for several moments as she watched the sky. Astrology.. the stars. Fate, chance, destiny. A God? Hell, even life. What did she believe in now? She didn't know... and the thought was numbing.

"I-I don't believe in fate."  
She whispered finally, still looking upwards.

Now it was Desmond's turn to be perplexed.  
"Come again?"

"I don't believe in fate" Claire repeated firmly.

"Charlie did."  
It was out before he thought about it--and he instantly regretted it. "Claire I-"

Claire shook her head, her eyes blazing.  
"Don't. Don't even try to apologize. You're right, Charlie did believe in fate. _To a certain degree_."  
She let it sink in before she continued "But not enough to go and get himself _killed_ for it." She choked "He wouldn't have chosen death."

"But he _did_, Claire. Don't you see that? Charlie knew what he was doing when he went down there. He knew exactly what he was doing."  
Desmond was still forceful and urgent, though he tried now not to be.

"No." Claire shook her head. "No.. he never would have gone if he really knew that he was going to die. You can't tell me that he knew."  
She looked up, there eyes met. Hers were glistening with tears that could barely be seen in the dimming firelight. "Why didn't you save him, Desmond? Just, just one more time. Couldn't you have rescued him?"

"Oh Claire" Desmond wrapped his arms around her and this time she didn't push him away. "Claire I _tried_ to save him. I did everything that I could do. But Charlie..." He had not spoken of how Charlie had knocked him senseless on the boat. Nor of how he had sealed the door when the chamber was going to fill.  
"Charlie believed that it was his time. I can show you..."

Gentle sobs shook her body, and the tears that she had thought dry ran freely.  
"Show me what?" Claire finally whispered, though she dreaded his answer. She gripped his arm so tightly that it hurt a little. He first thought it was in anger but quickly realized that it wasn't--Claire had little strength left to stand. She was shaking so violently.

"Here let's sit down a moment, you aren't well."  
He helped her sit down and then handed her a bottle of water.  
Claire opened the bottle but never put it to her lips.  
"Show me what, Des?" She asked weakly. "What is it?"

"I, er, Charlie.." Desmond hesitated, putting his hand into his breast pocket, he pulled out a letter. A letter that he had not read. "He asked me to give this to you." He handed it to her and she took it gingerly.

"Three weeks? You've had this for three weeks and you didn't say anything?" She questioned slowly, brow raised. "Why not?"

He shrugged. "You were not ready for it."

Claire shook her head yet again and thumbed the letter open.  
_Dear Claire_  
The letter began in what was clearly Charlie's handwriting. Claire had been written first and he had squished the letters together to put "Dear" in.

_If you are reading this now then I am probably gone. Dead. Don't blame Desmond, it's not his fault. No one's really._

Claire's stomach betrayed her and she had to turn away, vomiting.

"Claire..."  
Desmond began, but Claire made a motion with her hand to silence him.

"Dude. Claire are you okay?"  
It was Hurley. He was on watch tonight, making his bi-hourly rounds through the camp. "Des what's wrong with her?"

"She is sick, mate." Desmond replied with some exasperation.

"Well what happened?"

"I don't know. I gave her a letter and then..."  
He gestured toward with his hands.

"She got sick?"  
Hurley asked with some doubt.  
"Who was the letter from?"

Desmond was silent. That was a question that he did not want to have to answer.

Hurley was persistent though, he would get the answer one way or another.  
"Who's it from, Desmond?"

"It's... it's from Charlie."  
Desmond finally replied.

"Ohh. You mean that thing he was writing when-"

Desmond nodded. "That's it."

"Dude, you should like, leave her alone now."  
Hurley said quietly so that Claire could not hear.  
"I mean no offense, but I don't think that she's in the right state of mind to see you. And you might just make things worse."

"I-I already have, Brotha." Desmond said grimly. "I already have."

He turned and walked away slowly, but Hurley lingered by Claire's tent until Desmond was out of sight.

"Hey Claire?" Hurley began awkwardly "You okay?"

Claire waited until she was sure that her stomach had settled before she replied.  
"Yeah I-I-I-I'm fine." She looked up and smiled weakly. "Thanks, Hurley."

"Uhh. You don't look 'fine' Claire. I think you should go see Jack." Hurley said skeptically. "Like right now."

Claire shook her head. "No, really I'm fine. I don't need a doctor. And besides..." She whispered "I'm not sick with anything that he could cure."

"Yes you do, Claire." Hurley insisted. "And I'm going to go get him."

"Don't!" Claire exclaimed fiercely. "Please don't. There is no sense in waking him. Jack doesn't get enough sleep as it is."

"But you need him." Hurley was resolved. Claire needed to talk to someone. And Jack was the best person he could think of. He was their leader.

"Alright, alright!" She finally relented, only so that he would leave her alone. "I'll see Jack first thing in the morning. Not before then."

"You promise?"

Claire sighed. "Yes, Hurley. I promise."  
_Geez_.  
"Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get some sleep... tomorrow is going to be one hell of a day."

"Oh. Right, I'm sorry. Uhh.. see you in the morning, Claire."  
He turned to walk away.

"Hurley wait."  
Claire stopped him. "Take this with you."  
She held out the letter. "I- I can't read it. Not now. Please take it."

Hurley stepped back with an expression on his face that suggested he was afraid the thing would _bite_ him if he touched it.  
"Dude I can't. Charlie, he wanted you to have that."  
He said gently. "Put it under your pillow or something, save it until you can read it. But I can't take it."

"Hurley please.." Claire pleaded though she sensed it was pointless.

"Uh-uh. Night, Claire."  
Hurley walked away, leaving her alone.

"Damn it."  
Claire swore to herself. Why were they doing this? They couldn't honestly believe that they could change her mind. Could they?

She finally made her way to bed, it took some time.  
Claire was weak from crying so much- and she had eaten very little in the past few weeks. She had no appetite.

"Good God, what am I doing?"  
She whispered into the dark. "What the hell am I doing?"

Claire had not said a prayer since she was five years old. Twenty or so years ago, when she had not had to wonder about so many things. A faith that only a child could have.  
She wasn't sure now what she believed. If there was a God out there. Who or what they were.  
The stars had made more sense to her. But now, lately, they didn't say anything. It was as though she had completely drawn a blank.  
Desperate times call for desperate measures, right?  
And besides, Charlie had believed in a God. The least she could do was respect that.

"Well um, God? If you're out there somewhere?"  
_Wow did that sound stupid._ Why was this so hard?  
"I... I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember any of this, anything that has to do with Charlie. Please just make it all go away."

She finished with a broken sob. And once again... Claire cried herself to sleep.


	2. Chapter Two

_"Come on, Aaron, hush now. Mum's trying to get some sleep, can't you see_?"

Claire heard Charlie's voice in her sleep.  
Aaron was crying. He always stopped when Charlie came to see him in the early morning.

_"She was up late last night." There was disapproval in that tone. "Hmm." There was a pause and then "Shhh. Mum will be up in a few hours, kiddo."  
Aaron slowly calmed down. "In the meantime shall we go see Auntie Sun? Uncle Hurley? Mm let's go."_

The voice faded out. Aaron was still crying. Why?  
Claire opened her eyes and she knew why immediately. Charlie wasn't there. He never _would_ be there again. _Goodness, would this never stop?_

"Aaron." Claire moaned, closing her eyes again. "It's too early. Go back to sleep."

He didn't, of course.  
She finally got up, a few minutes later. It wasn't so early after all. Most of the camp was up now. A lot of them had already finished breakfast and were getting out to do the day's work.  
"Alright, alright I'm up." Claire said, after she had changed him. She picked him up and held him close. "And so are you." She kissed his forehead gently. "Now little man, let's go see if we can't get something to eat."

The sky was unusually overcast, Claire noted as she made her way to the pantry.  
It would probably rain in the next few hours.  
Oh well. That was alright, it never rained for very long anyway.

"What have we got in the kitchen today?" Claire murmured as she scanned the makeshift shelves with her free hand.  
"Dharma Baby Food. Pureed Apples." She picked up the can and a spoon walked to a somewhat sheltered place where she could sit. "How convenient. But wouldn't it have been easier to just call it 'applesauce'? Wow."  
Claire popped the top off and began to feed Aaron. He seemed to like it, given the fact that he didn't spit it out.

"Claire?"  
Sun joined them.  
"Are you feeling alright now?"  
She was deeply concerned. Only Sun knew the fullest extent of what Claire wanted to do. And that was _only_ because Claire needed someone to take care of Aaron for a few days.

Desmond had only known that Claire was leaving because he had overheard Claire talking to Sun the afternoon before. But knowing how news spread through the camp like wildfire... there probably wasn't much of a secret left.  
That was fine though, Claire was determined and nothing would change her mind.

"Hey Sun." Claire looked up, smiling. "I'm great. Thanks."  
She lied through her teeth, telling herself for the hundredth time that pretending to be getting better was only hard when she was alone.

"Are you still going to go then?"  
Sun asked, gently stroking Aaron's head with her finger tips.

"I am. I have to, Sun."  
Claire said firmly. "I have to at least _try_."

"I know."  
Sun nodded. She didn't fully agree with Claire. But being the woman that she was, Sun knew that there would be no stopping her. She knew what determination was when she saw it. She also knew what it was to lose a person who had become more than everything. But that long apart of her past and she was more than grateful for the new beginnings that the island life had allowed.

"You'll still take him for me?"  
Claire asked, breaking the silence.

"Of course, Claire," Sun said, smiling "I'll take him."

"I couldn't help overhearing" Juliet began as she approached them "That you're going somewhere, Claire. Where are you headed?"

Sun quickly rose with an apology, saying that Jin would be expecting her. She hadn't planned to be here more than five minutes.  
"Do you want me to take Aaron now?" She asked, holding her arms out to take him.

"Would you mind?"  
Claire handed him off to Sun, telling him to be good and that she would see him in a few hours. He fussed a little but when he realized that he was in familiar arms he was fine.  
"Thank you so much, Sun. Really, I don't know what I would do without you."

Sun smiled but said nothing as she walked away, carrying Aaron expertly in her arms.

This exchange only took a moment, but Claire still felt guilty when she realized that she'd not acknowledged Juliet.  
"I'm so sorry!" she apologized quickly. "Sit down?" Claire offered politely.

"It's fine, Claire." Juliet said, opening a bottle of water. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing." Claire answered immediately.  
She was anything but comfortable in the presence of this strange woman. And to find that she suddenly alone with her was disturbing to say the least.  
"Sun's just taking Aaron for a few hours... I-I needed a break."

"Ahh." Juliet nodded.  
She sensed Claire's uneasiness and, she did not sit down. "So... you're going somewhere?" Juliet asked casually, putting the bottle to her lips. She took a _long_ drink as she waited for Claire's reply.

"Yeah. I'm um, going for a walk. I haven't done that since... well, in a while." Claire said uncomfortably.  
"Why are _you_ talking to me?"

"Honestly?" Juliet began as she rubbed out a knot in her neck with her hand. "I heard you were going somewhere. I came to offer my help."

"Help?" Claire asked, taken aback. "Why would I need your help?"

"Because, Claire" Juliet said quietly, firmly "If you're going where I think you're going... you will need all the help you can get."

"Why? Where _exactly_ do you think I'm going?"  
Claire was annoyed now, and it was beginning to show.

Juliet didn't answer, and the reason for her silence became clear when Claire saw that Jack was about to join them.

"Juliet, would you mind if I talked to Claire for a moment?"  
Jack was more excusing her than making a request.

Claire stood up.

"Of course Jack." Juliet smiled thinly and looked back to Claire; she didn't dare meet Jack's questioning eyes. "Just remember what I said. If you want it, you know where to find me."  
She was supposed to meet with Rose in a bit anyway.  
Jack could talk to her later. She was sure he would.

"Claire" Jack spoke when he was sure that there was no one within ear shot. "How are you feeling?"

Claire was quiet a moment, her arms crossed in front of her. Despite the nearly defiant glint in her eye, she looked like she would collapse at any given moment.  
"I don't--I don't know Jack. I can't talk right now."

"Hey now" He knew better than to push her, his voice was gentle. He'd been working on his bedside manner. "Hurley told me early this morning that you were coming to see me first thing." He smiled. "It's been a couple of hours now. I was beginning to worry. "

"Ohh" Claire put her hand to her head, her eyes closed.

Jack took her arm, as a precaution. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. It's just that I _was_ going to come see you. But Sun came to talk while I was feeding Aaron." Claire explained. "And then there was Juliet. _And_ I slept in. A little."

"I see." Jack said. "So..."

"Jack" Claire interupted him "I don't want to talk right now, about _anything_." She started to step forward and nearly lost her balance.  
Jack caught her.  
"Why don't you sit down?"

She shook her head. "I need to go back to my tent."

"I'll carry you."

"I can walk!" Claire protested.

"I'll walk you back. Take my arm." Jack insisted firmly.  
She took his arm.

The walked slowly, silently until Jack spoke.  
"When will you be ready to talk?"

"What?"  
Claire hadn't been paying attention.

"I'm going to come back and talk with you later, but I want to know how much time you need to rest." Jack explained as they reached her tent.

It had begun to rain now, and they were under the roof just in time.

"Oh. I-I don't know. An hour?"  
Claire answered with some uncertainty.

"And if I come back here in one hour, you'll be here?"

She nodded.

"One hour?" He repeated, a little too urgently.

"Yes, Jack. One hour, I'll be here. Promise."  
Claire tossed her head a little as she sat down on the bed. "Besides, where would I go? I could hardly walk here on my own, remember?"

"Right."  
He smiled slightly and turned to leave when a thought struck him. No, it was nothing new. He had spoken of it before, and he needed to again.

"Claire, have you eaten anything this week?"  
Jack asked, over his shoulder.

"Not much."  
Claire admitted quietly.  
"I'm so sick of fish though, if I have to eat another one... I swear, Jack." She made a face. "And everything in the pantry... nothing looks good anymore."

Jack simply nodded.  
"I'll see you in an hour, Claire. Alright?"

Without waiting for a response, he was gone.  
Off to find Juliet... and a kitchen.


	3. Chapter Three

"Juliet? You got an hour?"  
Jack asked as he reached her tent.

Juliet looked up from her book, a quizzical expression on her face.  
"What for?"

Jack answered her question with another of his own.  
"Is there a cooking area, or food storage anywhere closer to here than the village is?"

"Yeah, but wh-"

"It's for Claire" He explained quickly "She needs to eat something. Something that didn't just come from a can."

"You cook?" Juliet looked surprised.

Jack smirked a little "In my spare time."

"Well this I _have_ to see."  
Juliet held out her hand and he helped her to her feet

. "Come on, I'll show you."

_AVA. Is everyone here so blind? Really? It's making me crazy that they can't see it. That I can't live like this.  
Maybe I'm blind. I can't understand how they seem to go on so easily after such a short time. But then again... they haven't lost nearly everything either. You're gone. Charlie's gone. I haven't spoken to Mum much since I told her I was pregnant. And... _  
Claire paused here, she'd been writing furiously for a few minutes. _Well you know how Mum and I go.  
Charlie is gone. Dead. But at the same time, he's everywhere. I can't look at anyone without seeing Charlie by their side, or without hearing his voice. I can't hear Aaron crying without hearing 'Turniphead' and one of Charlie's crazy songs.  
It wouldn't be so hard if I wasn't surrounded by him everywhere I turn. But I am. Just a few hours ago, Desmond handed me a letter that Charlie wrote. I can't read it--not now.  
I can't live like this... I need a way out. And if they can give me one..."_

"Knock knock?"

Claire looked up to see Kate letting the tarp down to cover the open sides of the tent. She smiled slightly "Hey."

Kate finished tying the last one down saying "You know you should keep these down when it's raining..."  
She sat down at the foot of the bed where Claire was lying, propped up on one elbow.

"Thanks."  
Claire put her pen back inside the book she'd closed so quickly, and she speculated on which of the few reasons why Kate was here. She chose not to start a conversation on any one of them.  
"How long do you think it will last today?" Claire asked, making a simple gesture to the rain. When in doubt... discuss the weather.

Kate glanced out the one open side of the tent saying "I don't know. Not long, I hope. I'm supposed to relieve Hurley in less than half an hour."  
Her brow furrowed a little as she looked back to Claire. "You know that's not why I came."

"Of course not."  
Claire said, unable to hide the bitter note in her voice.  
"I'm just wondering if you're here to try to convince me to stay or--or _what_."

"No." Kate shook her head. "I know better than that." She said sadly. "I just came to wish you luck... and to see if there is anything I can do. And-" She paused a moment "No one really knows where you're headed, Claire."

Claire readjusted her elbow uncomfortably. "Wait an hour after I leave then ask Sun. She'll tell you." She said quietly. "And thanks, Kate. I don't think that there is anything left _to_ do... I have to go alone."

"Well" Kate patted Claire's knee and rose to leave "Take this with you then" she put her gun down on the ground near the bed "And if anyone asks--you didn't get it from me."

"But Kate, I can't-" Claire started to protest and Kate interrupted her. "Don't. You _can_ use it, believe me." She said firmly.  
"I have to get going" she said, turning to leave. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

And then Kate was gone.

"So this is the famous Med Hatch that I have heard so little about..?"  
Jack asked, slightly amused. It hadn't taken that long to get here, and that was one of the nice things about having Juliet on their side: She knew exactly where she was going.

"Famous?"  
Juliet asked, looking from the door she was unlocking to Jack, head cocked mildly to one side. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well yeah" Jack smirked as he moved to help her with the door. "See, everyone has been here but me. Almost everyone." He amended.  
Together they pulled the double-door back. Jack couldn't see far into the hatch, and there was no sunlight to light the hall.

"Watch your step" Juliet cautioned as she walked in "There are stairs."

"Thanks." Jack said, taking a step down. "You got a flashlight?"

"Oh yeah." Juliet replied "But we won't need it."  
She was down the stairs now and at the wall to the left of the door. There was a panel here, she just had to find.. "Aha. Got it." She muttered, flipping the switch on the panel.  
The lights came on, flickering, and as dim as they were, they still light the halls enough to see down them. They would adjust to the lighting presently.

"I could make my way around this place in the dark" Juliet said, smiling.

"Of course." Jack nodded with mock gravity.

"But the lights _do_ add a nice touch."  
She finished, leading him down one of the three hallways.

"Are the rooms as poorly lit as the hall?" Jack asked, looking around skeptically.

"Of course not." Juliet answered shortly. "Most of the rooms, the important ones, are all very well lit. I never would have worked down here if they weren't."  
Actually, she thought as she reached for the key to the next door, she hadn't had much of a choice. But that was beside the point.  
She turned the key in the lock and the door swung wide open.  
"Here we are."

"This is the kitchen?" Jack asked, taken aback as he walked into the room.  
It was nearly empty, and certainly not a kitchen of any sort.

Juliet could have laughed at the look on Jack's face, but she didn't.  
"Not exactly." She admitted "But we're close. Help me move this."  
She was pulling the "wall" back where her fingers had found a groove between the walls.

"Is this it?" Jack asked when the wall was open enough to get through.

"You bet." She answered, walking inside. "Come on."

Jack followed asking "Who barricades a kitchen? and why?"

"We do. Because when you have five pregnant women in one place at the same time... nothing is safe." Juliet answered somberly, her thoughts drifting. She had been responsible for every single woman who came through here.  
"The kitchen is restocked once a week. And-" She opened the refrigerator "Judging by the look of things, it was done yesterday. Perhaps the day before."

"Are you alright?" Jack asked quietly. He had noted the change in her mood and wondered at it.

Juliet shrugged him off and ran her fingers through her hair. "It's nothing, Jack. I'm fine." She forced a smile as she looked up at him.  
"Did you have anything in mind? For Claire, I mean."

Jack chose not to press her, he knew he wouldn't get anything out of her.  
"I, um-" He _had_ thought about this. He couldn't cook anything too fancy that they could take so far back to the beach without it cooling too quickly. "A sandwich."

"A sandwich?" Juliet repeated, a twinkle forming in her eye.

"Yeah. Grilled cheese, and I'll make it." Jack said, removing the necessary items from the fridge.

"I can make it." Juliet offered "I think I've had enough practice."

"No." Jack insisted firmly. "I'll make it."  
He washed his hands at the sink and then put the frying pan on the stove top that was already heating.

"Alright." Juliet let it alone and went and sat at the two person table in the corner. "Why grilled cheese, Jack? Is there something special about it?" She asked, watching him.

"It's a, a family thing." Jack said simply, melting the butter around the pan. "Everyone in my family loves grilled cheese, it was a staple in our house. But" he continued, putting the bread in the pan and laying out the cheese "It has to be done a certain way with _just_ the right touch or else it's bad."

Juliet smiled a little as he spoke, but something he'd said caught particular attention. _Everyone in my family_. Did she dare risk asking him about it? Yes. Jack wasn't stupid and she realized that he had probably said it that way on purpose.  
"When did you find out? How? And does Claire know?"  
She asked, leaning forward and resting her chin on folded her hands, elbows propped on the table.

"Woah! One question at a time." Jack said, looking up, surprised. "Claire knows, we figured it out a while ago. She found a picture of my father and recognized him. We put two and two together." He said quietly, flipping the sandwich. "It wasn't hard."

"I see." Juliet murmured. Well at least that was out. Finally. One less thing that she had to keep secret.  
"I assume you haven't told anyone else?"

Jack shook his head "No. We decided that it would be better for everyone that way. For now."  
He was only surprised by Juliet's questioning for a moment. He should have known that she knew, she had known about so much of everything else.

"So Claire likes grilled cheese too?" Juliet asked, breaking the silence. Jack was nearly finished, she saw, and so she was getting a container from one of the cupboards.

Jack smiled "I'm hoping so."  
He flipped the sandwich expertly one last time and asked "Did you want one? I can always make another."

"No, no, I'm fine." Juliet assured him. "Here, put it in this." She put the container on the counter "It will stay warm in here, container's thermal."

"Thanks." Jack put it in the container and sealed it.  
"We'd better be getting back, I'm going to be late. I'll come back and clean up later.."

Juliet shook her head "I'm not going back with you Jack."

"Why not?" Jack looked slightly puzzled.

"Because I have some things to do here. Things to figure out, think about." Juliet said "And don't even worry about the kitchen. I'll take care of it."

Jack opened his mouth to speak but Juliet continued to speak as she undid the clasp on the watch that was on her wrist  
"I'll be back in a few hours, Jack. By sunset." She looked up and met his eyes squarely "Trust me."

"Alright." Jack nodded "Alright. Sunset... I'll see you then." He turned to leave and hesitated before taking a step toward the door.

"Wait" Juliet said "Take this with you and give it to Claire." She handed him the watch "It's the best I can do at this point."

"What's this?" Jack asked, eyeing the watch carefully.

"Don't ask questions, I can't answer them." Juliet answered firmly. "The less you know, the better. Just give it to Claire. I told her I would help if I could..."  
She put her hand on his arm "Go on, Jack, you'll be late."

Jack held her gaze for a moment and then realized that she was right. He was going to be late. He went to the door  
"Take care of yourself then."  
There was nothing else to say.  
With one last glance and a mental promise to be back, Jack left the hatch and headed for the beach. He didn't notice that the rain had stopped.

Claire had stayed where she was for several minutes after Kate had gone, but she finally saw that Jack would be back around here anytime now.  
The gun lay on the ground where Kate had left it, and as Claire picked it up, her hand brushed against a crumpled piece of paper. She hid the gun carefully in a bundle under her blanket and reached for the paper. Charlie's letter. Her hand trembled violently as she picked it up and un-crumpled it.  
She choked back a dry sob as she forced herself to start reading it again.

_If you are reading this now then I am probably gone. Dead. Don't blame Desmond, it's not his fault. No one's really.  
I want you to know that I never gave up. Not on you, not on us, not on _life_.   
I know I was a bit depressing for a while there, but fate isn't always something that you accept right away.  
I've accepted it now, I don't like it but I'm not going to fight it and put someone else's life in danger. I couldn't do that and live the rest of my life knowing that that person could have had a chance and a life better than my own.  
So if you're reading this then I guess it was time.  
I've included a list at the bottom of this letter, my "Greatest Hits" as we call them in the world of music.  
And I just wanted you to know something, Claire..._

Here Claire stopped and closed her eyes, trying in vain to keep the tears back. She could hear him, hear him so clearly that it hurt.  
It was almost over, just a few more lines, right? Claire forced her eyes open and continued to read through blurred vision.

_**I love you**__. I always have, really. You saved me, Claire. And without you, Charles Hieronymus Pace would have been a nonentity. I know the name's a bit of a mouthful, but it's true. You gave me something to live for when we crashed here.  
You are absolutely the best, the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love you. _  
He simply signed it _Charlie_ and left the post-script.

_My Greatest Hits  
5: The first time I heard myself on the radio  
4: Dad teaching me to swim at Butlins  
3: The Christmas Liam gave me the ring  
2: Woman outside Covent Garden called me a hero  
1: __The night I met you_

Claire dropped the letter on the bed when it was finished, she felt numb.

_But I know if I could do it over...  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart, that I left unspoken_

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing what could have been..._

The music came from nearby and Claire recalled with an inward groan that Sayid had managed to get Hurley his music back on the radio. The lyrics stung sharply as they sank in and Claire rolled over with the pillow over her head to drown them out. She was still crying, and this was how Jack found her when he made it to her tent.


	4. Chapter Four

"Hey, kiddo." Jack said softly as he stood in the doorway of Claire's tent. "I brought you something to eat, I think you'll like it." The package in his hands was still very warm, Jack was surprised that the thermal had worked so well.  
He put his bundle down at the end of the bed and sat down. It was hard for him to watch Claire like this, he could only imagine the pain she was in. What kind of guilt and blame she was putting herself through. He was putting himself under a certain degree of blame too--he had let Charlie go in the first place.

He understood how hard it was to lose someone, and the harder step of letting go. Everyone had a different way of doing it.

"Claire?"

He hadn't gotten any kind of a response from her yet, no sign of acknowledgement.

It wasn't that she didn't want to answer him, she just _couldn't._ Her eyes were glued to the letter in front of her and she couldn't pry herself away, as much as she wanted to. She stared at it and it hurt, like burning a hole in her mind. Charlie had known what was going to happen from the very beginning; but as she thought about it, Claire realized that she had known, too; though she hated to admit it.

_ "Claire?"_

_Charlie tried to get Claire to answer him, but he wasn't having any luck. And he knew why. She didn't want him to go to the underwater station--he couldn't remember the name--for anything. But he had to. He knew he had to._

_I'm doing this for  you , he thought silently. His eyes pleaded for her to listen to him, to understand. He wanted to shout it out loud, but he couldn't. It would only upset her more, and he wouldn't have that. Besides, he thought as he glanced down the beach to Desmond, maybe I won't have to die. He stopped himself from thinking about it too hard. He would go, and he would die if he had to. It wasn't like this was easy for him, either._

_"Come on, Claire..." Charlie pleaded with her one last time. He avoided looking at her, he kept his eyes on Aaron, allowing the infant to play with his hands._

_Claire shook her head, silent as a rock. What's this going to cost me? she wondered as she watched Charlie with Aaron. She wasn't a fool. She knew that if Charlie went it probably meant certain death. Or close enough to it. Desmond had explained it all to her, the dozens of ways that he'd seen Charlie die. She could only guess that this was another... and the only way Charlie would have agreed to this was if it had to do with her._

_"It's dangerous, isn't it?" She knew it was._

_"Nah. Just a boat ride, a swim, and a ride back. I'll be back before you know it, Claire." He looked up as he said it, forcing his eyes to meet her own. "And the boat will come, we'll all go home." Charlie tried to sound convincing. He wanted to believe what he was saying, but more than that, he wanted her to believe it too._

_Arguing with him was pointless, Claire knew that right away. That's why she hadn't answered him--she wasn't ready to let him go. She wasn't ready to let go for good. The way he made it sound so simple was maddening. Her heart screamed "I'd rather live here with you than go home without you!" But her mouth agreed with him "We'll all go home."_

She had known and hadn't done anything to stop him. She had let him go without protesting, without arguing, and more importantly, without telling him how she felt. _I could have stopped him_, Claire thought bitterly, I_ could have told him to stay_. But no, the more she thought about it, the more she saw that she had done exactly what Charlie had wanted her to do. If she had protested, it would only have made it harder for him to go. She remembered the look in his eyes as he had walked away... he had known exactly what she wanted to say.

"Jack," Claire cried, his presence suddenly registering and before she knew what was happening, he was pulling her close and she was sobbing into his shirt. "Why? Why does everything have to be so hard?"

It was a silly question, she knew that much, and she wasn't really expecting him to answer. It was just one more question, just another question. _Charlie always had an answer_, the thought came so clearly, _ It wasn't always reasonable, but he was always there._

Jack, who had never been good with tears, was silent in his turn. He simply held her, knowing that she had to get it out and that it would be easier for her if he didn't say anything. His eyes went to the half-crumpled letter she held in loosely in her hand.  
Must have been from Charlie, he realized, nothing else would have had this kind of affect on his sister. He understood her better than he would admit. Jack forced himself to look away, he wouldn't ask about it, no matter what happened. If she wanted to tell him, she would, and if not... it was her secret.

Claire had stopped crying because there were no more tears to cry. She was still hyperventilating.

"Hey now..." Jack's voice was low, almost soothing--he'd been working on adjusting his bedside manner, "It's going to be okay, Claire. You just need to hang in there. We're all here to support you. We all i need /i you to be strong." Jack stroked her hair gently as she started to breathe normally. "I know how hard it is, kiddo. But you've come so far, you can't give up now."  
_Charlie wouldn't want you to give up._ He almost said it, but he bit his tongue instead.

_ I don't want to hang on anymore, Jack_. Claire knew that he was only taking a shot in the dark when he had started talking, but his arrow had hit it's mark. She needed to hold on, and she had to let go all at the same time.  
_Charlie wouldn't want you to give up..._ Jack didn't say it, but Claire could hear it in his voice. He could have said it, he would have been right... but at she same time, she was glad that he hadn't. She needed to say it to herself.

"I'm going back, Jack." Claire said suddenly. She needed to, now more than ever. She didn't care if no one understood her, she knew what she was doing. Rather, what she wanted to do.

"What?!" Jack hadn't expected that at all. Not from her, and especially not now. It bothered him that she sounded more convinced now than she had two hours earlier. What could Charlie possibly have written that would make her hold onto this mad idea of "going back"? Going back, _where_? He knew all too well. But he hoped he was wrong.

"Jack," Claire pulled away from him and forced her eyes to hold his own, "Charlie knew, he knew what was going to happen to him." She handed him the letter "Read it later, when I'm gone. I've already memorized it. Just... hold on to it for me until I ask for it again." Claire took his hand and squeezed it gently as she pleaded " _Please_, Jack. You asked me to be strong. I _need_ to do this." She would do it, one way or another, but she would feel better about it if he tried to understand.

Jack wasn't totally convinced as he listened to her. Something was wrong... but then again, what _wasn't_?

"Okay." He finally responded "Okay, but you have to tell me what's up. Where are you going?" He knew. The look in her eyes told him that he already knew. But he wanted to hear her say it.

Claire knew that he already knew. His expression told her that he dreaded her answer, but he wasn't going anywhere without it. Meaning that she wasn't going anywhere until she gave it to him.

"Martin," she said finally, "I'm going to see Martin, Jack." She said it firmly, hoping that her tone was enough for him not to argue. There would be no persuading her to change her mind.


End file.
